The New Ears...

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He hears of a very good one in England, and goes to see him.
The surgeon examines him, thought a while, and says, �yes, I can help you.�
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, - �You swine, you gave me a woman's ears!�
�Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.�
�Are you having problems hearing with your new ears?� asks the Doc.
�No, Doc... I can hear just fine... But I don't understand a thing!�

Madams Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
�Why so little,� she asked the pet-store owner?
The owner looked at her and said, �Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.�
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, �New house, new madam.�
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, �that's not so bad.�
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, �New house, new madam, new girls.�
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, �Hi Keith!�

Big Leprechauns

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.
�Sorry,� says the taller man. �I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!�
�Well,� says the Leprechaun, �That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!� The taller man says, �Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long.�
�Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!�
�Gee,� says the man, �I don't know about that�. Aw hell with it, OK!�
Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away.
�Say,� says the Leprechaun, �How old are you, son?�
Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, �Uh-Uh, Thirty-two...�
�Imagine that, � says the little man, �Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!

Tickle Me Elmo

A woman went to apply for a job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. She went to her interview, and an hour or so later she got the job. The manager congratulated her and told her to be at work at 8:00 sharp the next morning. The next morning she breezed in at 8:00 and started to work. After a couple of hours, a fellow worker rushed in to the manager�s office.
�Sir, he said,� the woman you just hired has set us back for days! I don't know what she's doing, but it's bad!� The manager replied, �Well tomorrow we will observe her and see why she's taking so long.�
The next morning the manager and worker quickly hid so the woman would not see them. She immediately set to work to make the Elmo. She then took two more eyeballs and another piece of furry cloth and fiddled around with it and sewed it on the doll.
The manager started roaring with laughter. He went up to the woman still chuckling and said, �You misunderstood me when you got the job. You are supposed to give Elmo two test tickles.�

A man's manly man.

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, �Bring me my red shirt.� The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again they vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: �Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?�
The captain replied: �If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid.� All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: �Get me my brown pants.�

Bad Breath

A woman with bad breath had tried everything, mouthwash, mints, brushing her teeth several times a day, but nothing helped. She could never keep a boyfriend because of it. When she found a guy she really liked, she put her hand over her mouth when she talked, and avoided kissing.
What she didn't know was that he had a terrible problem with foot odour; if the relationship became intimate, and he pulled off his shoes, he knew she would be gone.
The two dated, with she practically holding her breath, and he never removing his shoes. When he asked her to marry, she said yes, but still didn't tell him about her problem.
On their wedding night, she got into bed and scooted close to him. �I have a confession to make,� she said.
He turned his head, gagging, and said, �Don't tell me. You ate my socks.�

POSSE

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, �You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?�
The cowboy says, �I want to see my horse.�
The Indians get his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass.
The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, �Typical white man - can only think of one thing.�
The second day, the chief says, �What your wish today?�
The cowboy says, �I want to see my horse again.�
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, �Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.�
The last day comes, and the chief says, �This your last wish, white man. What you want?�
The cowboy says, �I want to see my horse again.�
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, �Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!�