I'm afraid

I�m afraid of oncoming trains and that feeling
right before a train approaches and the wind is all around you,
when you have no choice but to submit to the surge.

I�m afraid of death, but not like normal death.
I died in a dream and floated above myself
as an amorphous gas. It was strange and terrifying.

I�m afraid of heights, when you are forced
to see just how big everything is around you
and how little it all has to do with you.

I�m afraid that I can only give love to people
I know will hurt me. If the right kind of love
came into my life, I wonder if I�d be able to accept it.

I�m afraid that if I told someone that I love them,
they would think it was stupid � like the Valentines� card
that just gets thrown away. I don�t want to be thrown away.

I�m afraid I wasn�t good enough for him, and that�s why
he didn�t love me anymore. Years of him telling me
that wasn�t the case haven�t put to rest this nagging idea.

I�m afraid of owning things, other than clothes.
The things you let into your life break or break you.
I�m still learning how to live with the things that are broken.

I�m afraid I attach too much self-worth to what other people
think of me. I hate that I always expect him not to call
and am surprised when he does.

I�m afraid I only see the worst in people
or that I expect too much out of them.
This is a metaphor for expecting too much of myself.

I�m afraid that my father and I will never get to a point
where being around him doesn�t make me want to cry
both for no reason and for every reason.

I�m afraid I can�t stop secretly wanting his approval,
no matter how much he hurts me.
I�m afraid this is a clich�.

I�m afraid that everything inside of me is unoriginal,
not worthy of saying out loud. Sometimes I don�t open my mouth
because I�m worried about what will come out if I do.

I�m afraid that I spend so much time trying to do
something that I�ll feel proud of when I�m older
that I forget to be happy right now, in the moment.

I�m afraid that my worry�s not worthy of sharing,
so when people ask me how I am, I say �fine�.
I wouldn�t be able to tell them what�s wrong.

I�m afraid that when people read this they�ll think
I�m another whiny, spoiled, self-conscious twenty-something
that just needs to lighten up and relax.

I worry that I haven�t even earned the right to be anxious,
because what do I even know about suffering?
This makes me want to cry, but I don�t remember how.

I�m afraid you didn�t read this or finish it,
or that it got lost in the shuffle of the billions of things
and that I gave away a part of myself for nothing.

I�m also afraid that you�ll know exactly how I feel, too,
because you feel these same things every day.
I�m afraid that I�m not alone.



From 25 things I'm afraid of by Nico Lang, Thought Catalog, 4 December 2012. Submitted by Angi Holden.